Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tina Fey's Twitter gives me a complex about my Facebook statuses

They are mostly about food. I really love her.

Let's put our cards on the table: I dutch oven you -hilarious. You dutch oven me -I barf in the bed.
4:44 AM Mar 11th from web

Amos probably didn't start out Famous, but with cookies this good, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.
10:55 AM Feb 12th from web

Am I eating a Caramello bar for lunch? Yes. Yes I am.
12:06 PM Feb 3rd from web

What does Monica Lewinski say to her new boyfriend? "It's close, but it's no cigar."
8:28 AM Jan 20th from web

I like my men like my peanut butter: chunky.
7:45 PM Jan 19th from web

Are Eggrolls just Chinese Hotpockets?
2:22 PM Jan 16th from web

I don't know why I even bother chewing corn anymore.
2:45 PM Jan 13th from web

I'm not ashamed to admit this can of cheetos has been rolling around my desk drawer since 2006. And they're still good.
7:26 AM Jan 9th from web

You tell the sandwich artist "a dab of mayo" and they slather it. It's almost like they're not being paid a living wage or something.
8:44 PM Dec 22nd, 2008 from web

Somewhere a man named Barack Obama sits on a toilet and thinks the same thing I do: I need to trim my toe nails.
11:11 AM Nov 15th, 2008 from web

Why do they say, "I'm Prairie Doggin' it", when "I'm doin' a turdle!" would make more sense. And be punny.
9:37 AM Nov 13th, 2008 from web

"But Daddy, Obama's kids are getting a puppy, why can't I?" Because Daddy voted for McCain.
9:05 PM Nov 4th, 2008 from web

8:02 PM Nov 4th, 2008 from web

Is it too early for nachos?
6:42 AM Nov 3rd, 2008 from web

Halloween is good because I can pretend I'm buying candy to give away.
10:15 AM Oct 18th, 2008 from web

So basically jazz is amazing. But only old jazz! None of this midi bullshit. Fuck you smooth jazz.
3:44 PM Oct 13th, 2008 from web

My aborted fetus knows more about economic policy than John McCain.
10:51 AM Oct 7th, 2008 from web

Has anyone else noticed that the Whatchamacallit is seriously underrepresented in many of today's fine vending machines?
9:41 AM Oct 6th, 2008 from web

I'm a multitasker. Which is why I nap on the toilet.
5:54 PM Oct 5th, 2008 from web